A new joke for the screenplay of “Inglourious Basterds”

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By Mauricio O. Dias – comoeueratrouxa

I rewrote one scene of the film, and have inserted three brief ones to make a joke. The total of new material equals to three pages, and they are in boldface characters at the end of the text.

Most of the material below is just the original Quentin Tarantino’s text, which has to be here to create a context.

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INT – ENGLISH COUNTRY ESTATE – DAY

A young MILITARY ATTACHE, opens the sliding double doors

that serve as a entrance to the room.

MILITARY ATTACHE

Right this way, Lieutenant.

A snappy handsome British Lieutenant in dress browns, steps inside

the room. This officer, who has been mixing it up with

the Gerrys since the late thirties, is named LT.ARCHIE HICOX.

A young George Sanders type (The Saint and Private affairs of

Bel Ami, years).

Upon entering the room, Lt.Hicox is gobsmacked.

Standing before him is legendary military mastermind,

GENERAL ED FENECH, a older George Sanders type (Village of the

Dammed).

LT. HICOX

Lt. Archie Hicox, reporting sir.

GEN FENECH

(Salutes back)

General Ed Fenech, at ease Hicox.

Drink?

LT.HICOX

if you offered me a scotch and plane

water, I could drink a scotch and

plain water.

GEN.FENECH

That a boy, Lieutenant. Make it

yourself, like a good chap,

will you? Bars in the globe.

Hicox heads over to the bar globe.

LT.HICOX

Something for yourself, sir?

GEN.FENECH

Whiskey straight. No junk in it.

.

The Lieutenant moves over to the Columbus-style globe bar, and

busies himself mixing spirits, playing bartender chappy.

Fenech, eyeing the Lieutenant’s file.

GEN.FENECH

It says here you’ve run three

undercover commando operations in

Germany, and German occupied

territories? Frankfaurt, Holland,

and Norway to be exact?

.

Back to them, mixing drinks, he says;

LT.HICOX

Extraordinary people, the Norwegian’s.

GEN.FENECH

It says here you speak German fluently?

LT.HICOX

Like a Katzenjammer Kid.

GEN.FENECH

And your occupation before the war?

.

His back still to us, as he bartends…

LT. H I COX

I’m a film critic.

GEN.FENECH

List your accomplishments?

LT.HICOX

Well sir, such as they are, I write

reviews and articles, for a publication

called; “Films and Filmmakers”.

As well as our sister publication.

GEN.FENECH

What’s that called?

LT.HICOX

“Flickers Bi-Monthly”. And I’ve had

two books published.

GEN.FENECH

Impressive. Don’t be modest Lieutenant,

what are their titles?

LT. HI COX

The first book was called; “Art Of The

Eye’s, The Heart, and The Mind:A Study

of German Cinema in the Twenties”.

And the second one was called …

He turns around with his whiskey and plain water, and the General whiskey no junk. He finishes what he was saying, as he walks toward the General, handing him his drink.

LT.HICOX

“Twenty-Four Frame Da Vinci”.

It’s a subtexual film criticism

study of the work of German director

G.W. Pabst. What should we drink to, sir?

GEN.FENECH

(Thinking, for

a moment)

Down with Hitler.

LT.HICOX

All the way down, sir.

GEN.FENECH

Are you familiar with German cinema

under the Third Reich?

LT. HI COX

Yes. Obviously I haven’t seen any of

the films made in the last three

years, but I am familiar with it.

GEN.FENECH

Explain it to me.?

LT.HICOX

Pardon, sir?

GEN.FENECH

This little escapade of ours,

requires a knowledge of the German

film industry under the Third Reich.

Explain to me UFA, under Goebbels?

LT.HICOX

Goebbels considers the films he’s

making to be the beginning of a new

era in German cinema. A alternative

to what he considers the Jewish

German intellectual cinema of the

twenties. And the Jewish controlled

dogma of Hollywood.

GEN.FENECH

And how is Goebbels doing?

LT.HICOX

They are doing quite well, actually.

Since Goebbels and his gang

have taken over, film attendance has

steadily risen in Germany over the

last eight years. But Louis B.Mayer

wouldn’t be Goebbels proper opposite

number. I believe Goebbels see’s himself

closer to David O.Selznick.

GEN.FENECH

Lt.Bicox, at this point in time I’d

like to brief you on, Operation Kino.

Three days from now, Joseph Goebbels is

throwing a gala premier of one of his

new movies in Paris –

LT.HICOX

– What film sir?

The General has to resort to peeking at his file.

GEN.FENECH

The motion pictures called; “Nation’s

Pride”.

LT.HICOX

Oh, you mean the film about Private

Zoller?

GEN.FENECH

We don’t have any intelligence, on

exactly, what the film that night

will be about.

LT.HICOX

It’s about Private Fredrick Zoller.

He’s the German Sgt.York.

.

Fenech can’t help suppress a smile, they have the right man.

GEN.FENECH

In attendance at this joyous Germatic

occasion, will be Goebbels, Goering,

Boorman, and most of the German High

command, including all high ranking

officers of both The S.S., and, The

Gestapo. As well as luminaries of the

Nazi propaganda film industry.

LT.HICOX

The master race at play, aye?

GEN.FENECH

Basically, we have all our rotten

eggs in one basket. The objective of

Operation Kino…. Blow up the basket.

LT.HICOX

(Reciting a poem)

“…and like the snows of yesteryear,

gone from this earth”. Jolly good, sir.

GEN.FENECH

An American Secret Service outfit,

that lives deep behind enemy lines,

will be your assist. The Germans call

them; “The Basterds”.

LT.HICOX

“The Basterds”, never heard of them.

GEN.FENECH

Whole point of the secret service,

old boy, you not hearing of them.

But the Gerrys have heard of them,

because these yanks have been them

the devil. Their leader is a chap

named Lt.Aldo Raine. The Germans

call him, “Aldo the Apache”.

LT.HICOX

Why do they call him that?

GEN.FENECH

Best guess, is because he removes the

scalps of the Nazi dead.

LT.HICOX

Scalps, sir?

GEN.FENECH

The hair.

He runs his finger along his hairline.

GEN.FENECH

Like a red Injun.

LT.HICOX

Rather gruesome sounding little

Dicky bird, isn’t he?

GEN.FENECH

No doubt the whole lot, a bunch a

nutters. But you’ve heard the

expression, “It takes a thief”.

LT.HICOX

Indeed.

.

General Fenech continues on with his exposition, moving over

to a military map.

GEN.FENECH

You’ll be dropped into France, about

twenty four kilometers outside of Paris.

The Basterds will be waiting for you.

First thing, you go to a little village

called, “Nadine”.

(He points it

out on the map)

Apparently the Gerrys never go there.

In Nadine, there’s a tavern, called,

“La Louisiane”, you’ll rendez-vous

with our double agent, and she’ll take

it from there. She’s the one who’s

going to get you in the premiere.

It will be you, her, and two German

born members of the Basterds. She’s

also made all the other arrangements

your going to need.

LT.HICOX

How will I know her?

GEN.FENECH

I suspect that won’t be too much

trouble for you. Your contact is

Bridget Von Hammersmark.

LT.HICOX

Bridget Von Hammersmark? The German

movie star is working for England?

GEN.FENECH

For the last two years now. One could

even say Operation Kino was her

brainchild. You’ll go to the premiere

as her escort, lucky devil. She’ll also

have the premiere tickets for the

other two. Got the gist?

LT.HICOX

I think so, sir. Paris when it sizzles.

GEN.FENECH

Indeed.

LT.HICOX

General, I’m awfully glad to be

part of something of this magnitude.

But I’m afraid that at this very moment

I have to deal with a considerable more

trivial subject.

GEN.FENECH

What do you mean?

LT.HICOX

This a little awkward… I need to use the

restroom, sir.

GEN.FENECH

(points to the same

door through which

LT.HICOX has entered)

End of the corridor, left door.

.

INT – CORRIDOR – DAY

A long hallway, seven feet width, many doors on both sides.

LT.HICOX walks fast through it.

LT.HICOX

(off, thinking)

Damn bladder! What will the General

think about me?

.

One of the LATERAL DOORS opens. LIEUTENANT JAGGER appears on the corridor.

LT. JAGGER

(gladly surprised)

Archibald! What are you doing here?

LT.HICOX

Michael! Long time no see!

.

The two men enthusiastically shake hands.

LT. JAGGER

Are you gonna join the Intelligence team?

LT.HICOX

Michael, I’m awfully sorry, you know

I’d love to sit and catch up with you.

But at this very moment I need to see

the old W.C.

LT. JAGGER

Oh, I see. Last door on the right.

LT.HICOX

(quite unsure)

On the right, you said?

LT. JAGGER

Yeah! Go, man, go!

LT.HICOX

Thank you, pal! I swear we are gonna

sit down for a tea as soon as possible.

.

LT.HICOX keeps walking through the corridor. He arrives at the last door on the right side and opens it.

.

INT – WINSTON CHURCHILL’S OFFICE – DAY

WINSTON CHURCHILL is seated on a chair, drinking scotch,

while a SECRETARY types.

LT.HICOX is completely shocked.

CHURCHILL

May I help you, lieutenant?

LT.HICOX

I’m awfully sorry, sir. I was

looking for the restroom.

CHURCHILL

Did you ask for W.C.?

LT.HICOX

I might have, sir.

CHURCHILL

This is an abbreviation for my name.

(points ahead, while

looking to the glass of

scotch on his hand)

The restroom is on the front door.

LT.HICOX

Thank you, sir!

.

LT.HICOX closes the office door.

.

INT – RESTROOM – DAY

LT.HICOX gets in, looks at the mirror, sighs, and washes up his face.

He goes to one of the toilettes.